A SECOND GUESS

I am 27 years old. Only had one serious boyfriend when I was very young and had several flings along the way. A lot of my friends are married now, as a matter of fact, there are only two single ladies in our high school batch. One of those would be, of course, yours truly. Last Christmas break, I witnessed three of my close friends getting married and for a while, I felt like I wanted to get married in the future too.

I did not come from a broken family. Our family is very much intact and very happy. If I wanted to have a role model as a wife/mother/family woman, I don't have to look very far. I have several of them. But then, marriage is not really an ultimate goal for me, unlike most women from where I came from. 

In one of my many solitary moments, I typed in my phone how trapped I feel I am. I look up to women who are really good in their field and I wanted to be really like them. However, they are either single, married without kids, or with kids but divorced. I admire how they totally went after their passion. On the other hand, I also feel like I am obligated to be "normal". In Asian lingo, it means getting a job then getting married. 

I could not say that I never want to get married. I also could not say that I want to. I am convincing myself though that I will settle down and have my own family in the future. I like to be normal. As a matter of fact, I pinned couple/wedding pictures on my cork board to symbolize my future "goals." 

Having a psyche as different as mine makes it harder, however. You see, I am surrounded by people around me who mean well. Who "know" what is "best" for me. What they do not know is the more they do what they are doing, the less it makes me want to have anything to do with a relationship. Specially when the advice is coming from a woman. I don't know why, but there are very few women who I listen to. I don't think they understand where I am coming from. My goals have always been different than most of them so whenever they give me advice, I feel like it does not apply to me because I cannot relate to a word they are saying. 

It annoys me. Really. The more they annoy me, the more I want to disappoint them...by not being interested with anyone. The more advice I receive, the harder my heart gets. It's sad, I know. That is why right now, I am second guessing. 

What if everybody just left me alone with my decisions? What if nobody got excited over every guy I meet and decide that that guy is the one I'm going to marry? What if everybody just shut up whenever they feel that something's going on between me and another person? What if they did not play matchmaker? 

I think, I would have been involved in a relationship earlier. The whole thing could have been more appealing to me...If only...