LAST NIGHT I PRAYED...

...not to grow old. I prayed to God that He would let me die early, in my sleep. I know it's a morbid thought for most people but do you realize that being alive causes death? I am not prepared to die now, so I hope God would not allow that this early. But still, everyone dies eventually. FACT. So what made me say that prayer?

I have come to terms with myself. I have accepted that there is a possibility that I would never get married...nor have a child. Why, you ask. Because I tend to complicate things. I complicate things that are so simple. I realized that when I was teaching. Somehow, I feel a satisfaction when I complicate things and my students would have to squeeze all the juices out of their brains to get an answer. When they do get the answer, I feel so proud. I know those few students who were able to do it feel it too.

When I started working as an accountant, my former boss would always scold me because I always make my schedules hard for her to understand. You see, I explain the way I think...and I confuse her. For me, easy is boring. There is no sense of achievement in that.

So, the same thing applies to my choices in life. I like it complicated. The love stories I made up in my mind would not be acceptable to most guys or is close to impossible to happen in real life. That is why I have to accept the POSSIBILITY of growing old alone.

People always tell me to get married so that someone could take care of me when I grow old. My solution: don't grow old. Hence, the prayer last night.

SCARED

I haven't blogged for a while. I just really had the urge to express something. I feel like I have overwhelming responsibilities now. I always had them but this time it feels different. Maybe because I take them more seriously now. How I wish I could just get them over with. I want to escape, I want to quit. This is making me realize how weak I am...how much of a coward I am...despite other people's perception of me.

I'm feeling pretty scared. I need someone to help me, guide me, and just carry the burden with me. It is during these times that I am so thankful that I believe in God. Somehow, knowing that someone greater than you is watching over gives comfort. I've been having strange dreams lately and I'm having urges to scream.

Lord, help me. I feel so weak.

The Lord's Prayer

AMEN.